Very Nearly Certain
by Will Write For Food
Summary: ...That’s the problem. You still love her. You’ve bent over backwards, gone to the end of the world and back, just to see her smile. And she won’t even look you in the eye. -James has a fight with his conscience. Now a Two-Shot! Rated vaguely for language
1. What You know

Disclaimer: (Insert disclaimer that you've all read a million times over.)

AN: Something that bubbled up out of frustration that I never write anything decent. Hope you like it!

**Very Nearly Certain**

There is a clock, somewhere in the depths of the school, chiming three. But you don't hear. All that you know is the cigarette in your hand, and the sound of your feet on the stone as you climb the steps of the astronomy tower. All you can think about is her.

You try so hard to be what she wants. You try so hard to change, and before you know it, it's coming naturally. You've grown up. Everyone knows.

And yet she still won't give you the time of day.

Tonight was no exception. The common room was a blur of people and noises, but she was there in the corner, finishing an assignment on Gobbledegook for an obscure class that you'd never dream of taking. From across the room, you see her stretch in her chair, working out the kinks in her neck. You watch as her favorite quill flutters to the floor, and lands by the leg of the chair. As she reaches down to retrieve it, a group of second years, obviously up to no good, reach over and snatch the essay from her table.

And before you can register what you're seeing, you've rushed across the room and plucked the parchment from the one boy's hand, before placing it back on the table, where she was watching now watching.

You don't ask for anything. You just hand her the essay, and smile. But before you can turn away, she looks down, and mutters, "I don't need your help."

To any outsider, those words are not the worst she's done. This small confrontation can't compare to when you and Sirius snuck into the girls' dormitory and put the beetles in Marlene McKinnon's dress. The yells coming from the common room had roused even Professor McGonagall from her lair, but not before you'd been slapped straight across the face.

No, this was over in a second, and only she and you knew it had even taken place. But the words were unnecessary, and although you'll never admit it, those words cut you more than she can know. They slashed through your soul and deflated your hope like a balloon hitting a hot lamp. And you feel about the same way; hot and stretched. And completely fed up.

You've reached the top of the staircase by now, and you're standing out before the stars. The night is breathtaking and horrible, if only because you've seen the war. And with a bitter smile, you realize that you're love for her isn't the only thing that can be beautiful and terrifying at the same exact time.

But that's the problem. You still love her. You've bent over backwards, gone to the end of the world and back, just to see her smile. And she won't even look you in the eye.

The situation is so baffling, so incredibly pathetic, that you begin to laugh.

"What have I done? Why do you still hate me so much? Why do I still love you so much?" The silence and emptiness of the night echoes back to you, and you know that if you stood here long enough you would begin to believe that you were the only soul remaining in the cold, black night. You take a final pull on the cigarette before throwing it down in disgust. Exhale. The smoke beckons out, a cold hand reaching and grasping, but finding nothing.

"I can't get you out of my mind! It's driving me insane! I exhaust myself trying to do everything right, and then kick myself when it goes wrong. But I don't mind! I don't care, because something about you fixates me. And there's nothing I can do."

You aren't laughing anymore. The thoughts you've contained inside your mind for so long are bursting forth, and you're shouting them aloud. Anyone could hear them, if they listened. But you're very nearly certain that no one is.

"There's nothing I can do anymore! I love you! Why can't you see it?" You slide down to the floor, your back pressed against cold stone.

You should know better than anyone that 'very nearly certain' is nine parts 'yes,' one part 'no.' And it's the one part 'no' that takes you by surprise, and suddenly steps out of the shadows in the form of one very beautiful Lily Evans.

She doesn't have a word to say, and you've spoken all of yours. All it takes is one look at her face to know that she's heard it all, but you're beyond caring. Because she's looking at you, square in the face. And you're drinking in her eyes like you've been wandering in a desert for an eon of time. And, really, you have. You breathe in the cold, dark air, but already it seems a bit less empty. Already it seems a bit less alone.

And neither of you speak. But she does kneel before you, and take your face in her hands.

And she does kiss you. The most passionate, adoring, perfect kiss that either of you will ever know. If someone would have told you that this long trek through the dark, cold night could have ended in your highest wish, you would have scoffed in their face, before turning away to see if they were telling the truth.

The pain that she has caused over the last years means nothing, just as you knew it would, if it would only end in this. The arguments and injuries that you have endured fall away, leaving only her. All there ever was, all there ever will be.

Perhaps the most important thing is this; she's still there the next bright, full morning, and she's ready to grasp your hand as the same clock in the same school strikes eight.

The same. Yet it's all different. And maybe there's a shift, or a bump in the surface of time, somewhere far away, as you begin the chapter of your life known as 'JamesAndLily.' But you don't see it here. You only see her.

**AN: **Thanks for reading, everyone! I stumbled through this piece, but feel that it's pretty coherent. Oh, and yes, I know that I didn't mention that it was actually James until that last part. Sort of worked out that way. Review to let me know what you think!

-WWFF


	2. What I promised

The sky was clear and the grounds immense. From the ninth floor of the castle, I could see far past the lake, on into the forest. Something stirred the trees at the very edge, and I struggled to see. The light of the nearly-full moon illuminated all, but the distance prevented me from recognizing the figures. Animals, I conceded, but shivered in spite of myself and the cold.

I turned around and continued down the long corridor on patrol. It was late, later than I'd originally thought, and for once I wished that James was there to keep company. But I hadn't seen him since earlier in the Common Room. I'd been rather cross with him.

_But he doesn't notice, _I rationalized. _James is James. He's stronger than that._

Suddenly, my mind came upon a shadow of a memory. It was a memory such as those that aren't out of place, aren't extraordinary, and soon blur into the daily routine, such as glancing at the clock and seeing that it's 3:27, or arguing with oneself over what to wear that morning. After awhile, one wonders if the event ever really took place at all.

But no, this glimmer of recognition had happened. The previous night at dinner, Marlene and I sat down at the table, just as she'd said, "What else did James do at the Prefect meeting, Lily? Did he offer to massage your back?" My indignant noise encouraged her. "Did you accept?"

Such banter had become standard at our dinners. As always, Mary glanced up with curious eyes; Alice broke away from her animated conversation with Frank to smile sympathetically at me.

Tossing a biscuit towards Marlene, blushing lightly, I'd turned and looked down the Gryffindor table, only to catch sight of the very man in question. My heart fluttered, my stomach turned on end, before I really _saw _him. He looked off-kilter- staring into nothing, no food on his plate. His friends, in conversation around him, would occasionally throw him a worried glance. He didn't look like the James I loved (my insides jumped and a stupid smile appeared on my face) at all.

The exchange of events had happened in such a brief amount of time. I'd been distracted by Marlene, chiding me for staring, and I'd turned my back on him in defiance of her. Mary had asked about a Transfiguration paper, rerouting the conversation, and by the next morning the odd events at dinner had faded completely from my memory.

As I mulled the experience over in my mind, more and more details added themselves, such as the sweater Mary had been wearing, the blonde Ravenclaw girl Sirius had been chatting with. Such a strange feeling it was, like rust being chipped off a very old ornament to reveal something exotic underneath. I couldn't help but wonder how much of it I was exagerating, as all tales were. I knew, though, that I wasn't warping the forlorn stare with which James had stared off into nothing.

_It's Potter, _I admonished myself now. _He's no doubt gotten rid of whatever annoying fourth year who'd been following him- off hexing innocent first years or snogging some ditzy sixth year now. _

Still, as I continued on the patrol, my thoughts batted themselves around in my mind. Since seventh year had begun, I'd found myself absolutely _fascinated _by James Potter. I was drawn to him like a bug to a light, and I couldn't ever explain why. Out of habit, or perhaps denial, I was still quite cross, no matter how kindly he approached me. With sinking embarrassment, I remembered jumping down his throat in the Common Room earlier that night.

Somewhere in the depths of the school, a clock chimed three, and I began my journey towards the Gryffindor Commons. My senses seemed to be crackling, and I tried to rid myself of the terrible fear that I often experienced when wandering the school alone.

_There's no one there, Lily, _I told myself. _Everyone's asleep. Who would be awake at three in the morning on a Tuesday?_

But still, I couldn't shake the feeling that there was _something _there. That there was something surrounding me. After every slap of my shoes on the floor, did I hear a heavier footstep? Was that someone's breathing I heard? The heaviness in the air that I told myself I was inventing seemed to suffocate me. Each time this happened, I swore I lost another week off my lifespan. Never once had there actually been someone stalking me. Still, my reaction was without fail everytime. Later, I would lay in bed and be annoyed with myself. But now, the fear was as real as anything. _Walk faster, get somewhere safe, go- _

"Who _are _you, Lily Evans?" The voice that I recognized as Sirius's scared me half to death. For all of my terrified wanderings throughout the school, I'm not sure I every actually thought someone would be there to confront me. Though I was relieved it was only Sirius and not someone more dangerous, my skin prickled at the anger snaking across the hall from wherever he was hidden..

"What do you mean?" I asked cautiously, confused. Still seeking him, my eyes looked wildly about, struggling to adjust to the darkness.

"What kind of monster are you? How the _fuck _do you get off doing what you do? The affect you have on him… it's disturbing."

Although my mind was crumpling in on itself like a cornered, caged animal, I would have needed to be an idiot not to recognize that he spoke of James.

"On good days he'll just stare off into space. And on bad days he won't eat. Won't talk. He'll just lay in bed and think of what he could have possible done to hurt you. Except he hasn't done a thing, Lily Evans. It's just you, playing your sick game."

I swallowed, looking wildly about me. I knew that, somewhere in the room, Sirius was using his words instead of his wand for ammunition, a rare occurrence. The result was ten times sharper and more destroying than any spell could have been. "You know he's a perfectionist. His mind won't let him not think about where he went wrong."

My voice shook as his, except mine was with fright, as opposed to rage. At that moment, I knew that Sirius could be a lot more dangerous than I had previously thought. I needed to fix this, now. "Sirius, I didn't think he-"

"You're right, you _didn't _think!" He shouts out. _Oh, God. _How could I _still _not be seeing him?! "You didn't stop and see that he'd changed. That he'd changed his entire was of _being _just to become a better person. For you!"

There was silence for a long, horrible moment when I suddenly saw that he was right in front of me. Sirius Black had been standing perhaps five feet in front of me the entire time, not approaching me, never once lashing out- I'd only just realized. With eyes wide open, I wondered what else had been in front of me for so long. What else had I failed to see?

And then, Sirius's voice shook with something that I couldn't quite place. The protectiveness of a very great friend, perhaps. A brother. "I'm not going to let it go on. Make a choice. Right now."

Tears were streaming down his face, I could now clearly. I could see the classroom door behind him, the not-so-peacefully sleeping portraits on the wall. With a hoarse voice, I managed three helpless words: "I've been blind."

Still crying, her turned disgustedly away. "Go."

I turned and ran; a bird taking flight down the corridor.

Sometime later, I pressed myself up against the wall of the Astronomy Tower and barely suppressed tears. James wasn't _anywhere, _it seemed, and I was beginning to think that he was dead, frozen to death somewhere, and that it was all my fault.

Once again, my imagination got the better of me, as it usually does. Seeds planted themselves in my mind, growing horrible ways that James could be dead or dying. _Oh, God, _I screamed internally.

_What have I done?_

"-Why do you still hate me so much?" My thoughts seemed to continue out loud. I gasped. There was someone here. Listening further, I crouched up against the wall of the Astronomy Tower and slipped out onto the terrace. Whoever it was seemed to be having a terrible argument with themselves.

But no, I realized, as I continued to listen. They were having an argument with _me. _But I wasn't there. At least, they couldn't possibly know that I was.

I was rather disgusted with myself and my thickness when I realized that the man for which I had been searching, for what seemed like forever, was the one I was listening to, arguing with an imaginary me, in the middle of the night.

I sunk to my knees, letting his beautiful voice and ragged breathing mesmerize me. How much time had I wasted? For how long had I refused to see, just to save myself from disappointment at being mistaken?

Every broken piece of my thoughts from my encounter with Sirius seemed to fly back into place. Only now, they were rearranged with a clarity that I'd never known I'd been missing.

A lull in James's argument with a me that didn't exist allowed me to take my heart in my hands and step forward. I saw the recognition upon his face break like a wave upon the shore- washing away imperfections in the sand.

I saw that his hazel eyes weren't sparkling with their usual confidence and liveliness, and vowed then and there that I would make them sparkle and never stop, even if I died trying. The childish promise to myself and him echoed in my mind as I kissed him.

And as I accompanied him to Hogsmeade the next weekend. As I introduced him to my parents, as I met his. As I spoke my vows and became Lily Potter.

It stayed with me every night, while we laid in bed and dreamt out loud about the future.

It stayed with my until I died. And even then, after.

**AN: **Wow. That was really fulfilling. I swear, I don't know how this happens, every now and then it just bubbles out of me.

This was a lot of work I'd had laying around, and some new stuff. It kind of just fell into place as I was thinking about what positive feedback I'd gotten for this original oneshot. It's really encouraging to get fifteen reviews for your first story, and it's helped me a lot.

I hope everyone likes this as much as James's version! One thing that I've noticed, however, is that I tend to trail off at the end. It just doesn't seem as powerful as it does in the rest of the story. If anyone has any input on this, what they think, if they noticed, and suggestions, etc., I'd be very thankful.

Keep a lookout for more of my stuff, if you've been following me, you might know that I'm rather spasmodic in my writing tendencies.

I have been thinking about my writing a lot, and I've been working on some things. Maybe even a full length story coming up...!?

Thanks for reading!

-WWFF


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